Black Like Me

I made an amazing discovery today. I discovered the public library. I went to the public library for the first time in almost nine years. I was amazed to see that they still had me in their system and did not have to re-apply to get a new library card. I went to the library to do some research for my Human behavior paper, which I am happy to say is about 95% complete.
I should be working on my stats paper but decided to make an entry instead.

While at the library I wandered through my favorite sections at the book store and found some really good books on religion and cultural issues. I decided to get two books, 1. The Hispanic Condition by Ilan Stavans and 2. Black Like me by John Howard Griffin. I imediately started to read Black Like Me and put my research aside.

For those who have not read Black Like Me here is a synopsis. The author, John Howard, changes the pigment of his skin to try to get a feeling of how it truly felt to be black. Keep in mind that this book was written back in 1959 and the racial conditions of the time were a lot different. Every time I saw the words Negro and nigger I was surprised and I had to remember what I was reading. Back to my summary, at first I was concerned that the author was going to be biased and that simply changing his skin color was going to give him a an accurate view of what was going on in the south but I believe that as time passed and he lived the life of a black man he got to experience the same things blacks did back then. Another thing that concerned me was that there are certain cultural norms and standards that are ingrained in all of us and not having grown up black he would have missed some of those things. But so far I think he is doing a great job. I am only on page 89 and I still have a ways to go before I finish but it looks like a great book.

Pick it up and let me know what you think.

Stress

I don't think I am handling stress as well as I use to in my younger days. Before I was able to work better under stress but these days with everything that I have going on it seems like I am more frazzled that normal. I can't wait for classes to be over in two weeks so that I can actually take a moment to relax and rest. My classes and the big project I am working on at work both end on the same day, on the 15th of November I am going to want to celebrate. You guys better be ready for me.

Thanks for the Memories

What do you say when something that could have been, something that was, or something that you wanted to be is over. I guess there really isn't much to say except "Thanks for the memories."

People...people..who need people...

I stayed home today because I was not feeling well. I woke up late, did some homework, took a nap, I did all of the things you should do when you are home but really should be at work. :)

I am not normally at home during the day and I am sure that neither are any of you that read this, but do you guys realize how many people come around and ring your doorbell while you are gone?
Just today I had Nanette(?) come by and try to sell me magazines.
Jim came by and tried to sell me service for cable.
And I had religious people come by and invite me their church.

So I started to think, what if they really weren't with these organizations and were just the decoy to come to your house, find out if someone was home, and if nobody is home they call their back up and the take everything you own. What if?

Can you tell I am bored? Staying home is not as fun as I thought it was going to be but I did get a lot done.

People, People who need people. Are the most wonderful people.....(sing along with me).

Damn Religious People!!!

O.K. I confess...I don't hate republicans. What I do hate are those over the top religious fanatics who go around imposing their believes on other people!!!

Comments from October 13 Posting

That jerk probably believes that everyone who is not catholic is going to hell!! What ever happened to not judging your fellow brothers and sisters? I really hope god takes compassion on his/her soul for all of the hatred he/she is spreading around.

Damn Republicans!!!!

That is the first thing I thought when I got home from work today and my Kerry/Edwards lawn sign was in pieces on my front porch. I was so mad!!! After my first sign was stolen and with all of the reports of signs being removed from yards by republicans, that was the fist conclusion I jumped to.

Later, I went back outside and I noticed that my yard had been mowed and I realized that my neighbor was probably out moving his yard with his riding mower and just decided to do mine while he was at it. I have been so swamped with work and school work that I was relieved that I did not have to do it myself.

I probably shouldn't have prematurely accused the republicans. I love my republican and democrat brothers and sisters alike.

My birthday will never be the same again!!!

There is a new position that became available in our department and they have asked if one of my employees is interested in applying. It is not just one of....it is the best employee ever. I talked to her about it and she has decided to leave my department because it is a promotion. I am very sad, I want to cry. Why would they deliver this horrible news on my b-day? I don’t even feel like celebrating anymore.

Horrible news!!!

Fear

We all know what are the things we need to change in our lives to make them happier but at times we are unable to make those changes.
Our heart tells us what it is we need to do, but yet we ignore it.

What is it about fear that leaves you paralyzed? What is it about the unknown that keeps you from making changes?

I have reached a new low!!

Yesterday I was at Sam’s with Sarah and Will and we got hotdogs to keep us from starving before dinner and as I was eating my hot dog all I could think about was how many calories were in it and how long it would take me to burn it off if I went for a jog. I was planning on going for a jog at the park once I got home but luckily it started to rain so I no longer had that option. When I got home I was going to get on the treadmill but after thinking about it I decided I was going to fight the fear of gaining weight. I enjoyed the hot dog and it was GOOOOOD.

Did you guys ever see the commercials that were meant for teenage girls? They would talk about issues such as beauty, weight, etc and at the end it would say “Girlfriend, you are beautiful!” and that is how I felt after that having that internal dialogue. Cesar, you are beautiful (no comments from anyone) even if you were to have 10, 20, or 30 pounds extra.

Paulo Coelho

I have a new favorite author, he has written such works as The Alchemist, Eleven Minutes, and By the River Piedra I sat and Wept.

If you have not read any of his works I strongly recommend that you do.

Gift Suggestions

Most of you know I am horrible at selecting gifts for other people and will usually take the easy way out and buy gift certificates.
I need your help, Wade's Birthday is on October the 1st and I want to get him something good for his birthday. I thought about flying up there and surprising him but after looking over my budget last night I have decided that won't be possible.
Does anyone have any gift suggestion ideas?

No Se

Lo dice el o lo digo yo.

"Me Paso dias y dias delante de esos libros y cuadernos haciendo un esfuerzo sobrehumano para comprar mi propia esclavitud.

- Fatima from Paulo Coelho's A Orillas del Rio Piedra Me Sente Y Llore.

A Orillas Del rio Piedra Me Sente y Llore

Spontaneous

Who said I wasn't spontaneous?
I just purchased a ticket to go to San Francisco for the weekend. Spur of the moment, no prior planning. Who says people can't change.

It is either one of the craziest things I have ever done or the dumbest things I have ever done. But I was jogging and I a thought passed through my head and the next thing I know I am at home making flight reservations.

I am excited, I get to see Wade and spend some more time with him. We decided we were just going to hang out and spend time together, no heavy partying or wild and crazy nights. They are having a street fair so we will do that and we are also taking the ferry to Sausalito. I also have to go back and eat at In-N-Out and buy some chocolate.

Sometime between now and Friday I need to go get a digital camera to take with me.

Drugs = Good

It is amazing how good drugs can make you feel. I had some medical test done today and they had to put me to sleep and I feel amazing today. I got home around noon and I went directly to bed I woke up for a few minutes but went back to bed shortly after.
I feel more rested and relaxed than I have felt in a very long time. If it was up to me it would be a requirement to be sedated at least once every month.

The weekend

I had a pretty good weekend.

On Friday I went to the movies with Ivan, Chico, and Chico's friend Carrie. We went to see the movie Hero with Jet Li. The movie was really good, not as much martial arts as I would have liked but the colors and the symbolism were really good. After the movies Ivan and I went over to Starbucks and grabbed a cup of coffee and just talked. Well, I just talked. Ivan had to sit there and listen to me talk about Wade. After that conversation I promised that I will not talk about him as much, I annoyed myself.
Saturday was a pretty laid back day, I did a lot of house stuff and hanged out with family and friends. Nothing to terribly exciting.

Sunday we went to the Gay Pride Parade in Dallas, TX. It was my first time going and it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. There were way to many floats but they were all very plain. Next year I want to be on a float, so I need to get involved with an organization.

That is about it for now.

Oh, I got a call from Wade about 11:30 last night and...oh, I promised I wouldn't talk about Wade so much.

Silly Me Part 2

I admit....I have a problem....and admitting that you have a problem is half the battle. I sent him a text message earlier in an attempt to clarify what had been said and repair any damages. I believe my message went something like “Good Morning. I hope I didn’t scare you to much last night.”
His Reply:
“A better question would be what’s your intention? Given What you told me last night. What are you thinking?”

I figured we were better off having this conversation over the phone than through text messaging so I went home for lunch and we had another of our long conversations. It turns out my comments from last night lead him to believe I was not interested in him. I won’t get into to much details but we talked it out and we have come to the conclusion that we are both very interested in getting to know the other and we will continue talking and see where it takes us. He is still planning to come to DFW in the near future and we will have the opportunity to spend some time together and we will figure things out as we go along.

I am afraid of commitment, but he has made me feel the warm and fuzies that I have not felt in a long time and I think that deserves a shot. My heart may get broken or I may end up falling in love. It is a chance I am willing to take.

Silly Me

I don't know what it is about me, call it a defense mechanism, but every time I meet a guy that I like I always, unintentionally, push them away.
I was on the phone with Wade last night for almost two hours and we were just talking about our past etc. I don't know if I was to honest about the whole afraid of commitment thing....but I think I might have scared him.....why would anyone make an effort to start a relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment?
I am going to talk to him about it again tonight and try to explain myself. Hopefully I didn't scare him to much.

Digital Camera

I need a good, small, inexpensive digital camera. Does anyone have a good recommendation?

Wade

I was sitting in my 3 p.m. meeting when all of a sudden my pocket starts vibrating and it tells me I have a new message. I leave my meeting because I was hoping it was Wade :) and I retrieve my voice mails and it tells me I don't have any so I start playing with my phone and it is a text message (I never eve knew I had text messaging). The message was sent to me at 1:45 p.m. and it says

Yea. Crazy.

On Sunday night we were at a club and he asked me if I always say "Yea" and "Crazy" when there is nothing else going on. For the rest of the night he would look at me and just say those to words together. It was rather cute.

I told myself I wasn't going to call him, but after that how could I not? I am going to call him on the way home and see how he is doing. ;)